Kate Solusar’s Holocron

Yesterday, my family had Chinese food to celebrate Mother’s Day.  For dessert, naturally, there were fortune cookies alone with the fresh pineapple chunks our server brought to us.  I had an intriguing message in my fortune cookie “Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.”

I mention these words here because it brought to mind a recent discussion I was involved in at another online community of which I am a member.  It was a discussion that I had watched with interest, but didn’t feel the need to post in until I saw something I thought I’d never see – two people who seemed to too often be at loggerheads actually agree on something.  I was excited to see such a positive development and posted a response echoing that excitement and agreeing with them also.  I never realized that in so doing, my words would cause hurt and misunderstanding and spark a more heated, passionate discussion.  But my words helped create that situation.  I tried to salvage my message, to clarify it in response to an honest and direct inquiry, but things got out of hand very quickly.  I continued to contribute to things in an effort to seek and find the common threads and keep at least the kernel of the consensus that seemed to be there, but it got lost and people were angered, frustrated, and hurt.  That had certainly never been my intention at all, so it was hard to see the mess that resulted, and the bitterness and acrimony that appeared to ensue and hurt people, particularly people I had seen as respected teachers who had given me a good deal as I have been learning and growing in this spiritual journey we call the Jedi way.

In a previous entry in this holocron, I spoke about my desire to practice my beliefs and what I have learned by striving to be a peacemaker, peace bringer, and diplomat.  In all these things, judging from the results of that particular discussion and the ripples that emanated as a result and affected other communities, my efforts and involvement did not improve or even seem to clarify things.  In all respects, it could be considered a failure; one I had a role in causing.  Then, I compounded this problem by forgetting a Toltec aphorism I strive to live by “Do not take anything personally.”  I felt hurt, I let others’ words and pain in and took their feelings and anger personally.  Not only did I give my internal control over to others, I was arrogant enough to blame myself for causing them to feel and act this way.  Talk about a power trip!  It has taken me some time to regain my bearings and practice that letting go, that detachment or unattachment that Jedi are fond of encouraging in practice.  It has been a learning experience, and a very humbling one.  At least those teachers to which I refer still teach and share their insights and experiences.  I may not and honestly do not always agree with them.  But their words are worth considering, taking what I like and need and leaving the rest.  And, I realize yet again that my own words may not be worth much to them or to others, but they mean something to me and to my practice and testify to my desire to practice what I learn here online as well as offline.

The other lesson I have learned is that this community, Ashla Knights, is truly my home, a place that continues to nurture and support my learning, understanding, and practice of what it means to walk and live the Jedi way.  I have also been reminded, in a discussion on the forum here, “Less A Jedi?” that truly the most difficult part of this path for anyone of us to embrace is this path’s spiritual demands of us.  In fact the physical demands of this path, even those advocated by those physical adepts among us, pale in comparison.  Again, I am reminded, that while this path is an individual one ultimately, it is not an easy path, nor is it for everyone.  It asks of us no less than ourselves, undivided and entire.  That’s not an easy demand for anyone to meet, as we all too often hold something of ourselves back.  I know that has been true of myself, and that it is so vitally important to take frequent pauses for self-assessment, to honestly look at how I choose to live this path and this way, acknowledge and take responsibility for my failures and get up and continue to strive to live up to what it means to be a Jedi in our day and age.  I may not get it right all the time, and I don’t, but I do know that I am a better person for choosing this way of living and that choosing to be a Jedi makes a difference in the lives of those around me.  It helps me cope with the opportunities and challenges in my daily life and to act from a calm center.  That helps me and my family, especially when it comes to meeting the challenges of living and dealing with the impact autism has in our lives.

I gained some more insight into some of the reasons why I continue to experience difficulty communicating effectively with some people who are particularly close to me.  My spouse, children, and I were at another family gathering, this time at my sister’s house.  My sister had arranged with my husband that he would stay at the house with our little guy with autism and my sister’s new baby boy, so that her focus could be on her daughter’s celebration.  The celebration went off with the usual amount of chaos and turbulence associated with family gatherings with my family of origin.  My sister had said this was going to be a small-scale event, with close family.  There ended up being about 50 people present, more than enough to make things challenging for my little guy with autism, and for my husband and I as a result.

The insight comes from some of the comments made by family members and others present, who are not part of our day-to-day lives.  My mother suggested that my spouse take our son up to the upstairs playroom, so that he’d be occupied and “out of the way.”  Later on, my focus had to be on staying with my little guy, because he would try to go all the way down the driveway to the street to get away from all the commotion and to “go for walk…this way.”  It was constant, and like similar parties, keeping an eye on my son meant that I couldn’t actually really be at the party.  My aunt remarked on how we never get to chat, that she could see I’m busy, but I am a stranger to her now.  As usual, we were the first to leave, because my little guy likes to go as it gets dark because it’s late and “time for sleepies.”  Also, at that point, he’s reached his limit of tolerance for all the noise and commotion, is hungry because he cannot eat in situations like this, and he’s tired.  The universal response we get is “Don’t go, he’s not bothering us.”  “Should we have just avoided your son and left him alone?”  And that’s just what gets said.  The nonverbal language usually indicates resentment and a “here we go again” sense.  They believe my husband doesn’t like them so they blame him for us leaving “early.”

Last night, we watched the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus.  It’s about a high school music teacher and his wife, who have a deaf son, Cole.  The movie shows the disconnect that exists between the father and his son as a result and how the wife and mother in the story is the one who works with her son to help him find his voice and a way to communicate.  She’s the one who bridges the gap between father and son, until one day the son confronts his father’s indifference and insensitivity and helps his dad realize that shutting him and his disability out was not the way to go about life.  Interestingly enough, it was the life, music and death of John Lennon that helped bring them together and reconnect as a family.  The events in the movie mirror our own experience with our son’s autism, except my spouse and I are not disconnected from each other or either one of our sons.  We are disconnected from my family of origin, because of their fear, misunderstanding and ignorance of autism and its impact on our lives.  That became clear in the light shed by the movie portrayal of the characters’ experiences and how they coped with Cole’s deafness that provided sense and context to the comments made by my family and our experiences in the last two weeks.

 Master Thompson asked me a significant question after my last holocron entry, about what I’ve learned from these kinds of experiences – the take home lesson, if you will.  I’ve learned that I hurt when people I love and are close to say, perhaps in their mind well-intentioned remarks and comments, but whose words, ignorance and fear actually hurt.  I realize that all my efforts to keep the peace have allowed this to continue.  I haven’t been honest with them.  It’s a struggle for me to do that, because of my own fear and concern not to appear to judge them for their feelings, or give them anything that they can use to blame my husband and confirm their belief that he doesn’t like them.  So I take the hit instead, but it comes with a cost that’s getting too high to continue to pay.  I also see more clearly that part of our disconnect comes from our different parenting styles and values.  I make sure I know where my children are and what they are doing.  I make sure they get an opportunity to eat and drink.  I make sure they don’t get hurt and that they have fun.  I make sure that our little guy’s toilet training stays on track.  It also means that I listen to when my children have had enough and am wise enough not to let things progress into a full autistic meltdown or tantrum.   So, honesty is the missing link here, because no matter what I say or how I say it, there is a real risk of causing my family to respond defensively and take even “I messages” personally.  It is one of the biggest downfalls and pitfalls for me personally in my efforts to be diplomatic. I placate. And, it turns out, that is indeed the crux of the problem.

It’s been difficult for me to find the words to put to paper in this holocron for some time now.  I’m a natural peacemaker and diplomat, and those skills have been put to the test quite a bit in the last month or so in my life.  The flip side to that part of who I am is that I am also a placater, a people pleaser and a perfectionist.  So my buttons get pushed when I fail to bring people together, resolve a situation and achieve consensus, or when I sense I’ve hurt someone by what I’ve said or done or by not saying or doing anything.   In such situations, there’s no way to “win.”  I know the solution is to detach and let go, but that’s really hard.  I’m working on it.

 In one of my previous jobs, I was an administrative assistant to three high level managers in a biotech firm.  Two of them were fairly easy going and a pleasure to work for, the other was anything but pleasant.  Her mere presence in a meeting was enough to create a tense climate, and when she spoke, it was always something negative, often manipulative and hurtful.  She would go out of her way to target two particular co-workers and generally make their lives and jobs difficult.  She never understood that two people could not work on the same computer document at the same time on two different computers; every time one or the other of us would save the document, it would overwrite whatever the other person had been working on and inevitably would make a mess.  I learned that no matter how patient I was, how often I explained just that, my boss would continue to do it anyway and any and all mistakes that weren’t corrected (or rather were, but had been overwritten) would be blamed on me.  I learned to go along to get along, to placate her.  I learned the art of apologizing without really apologizing.  Eventually this all was resolved when I had the opportunity to choose one of the three to work for full-time.   This person was not my choice.  I didn’t break it, I couldn’t fix it, and I just had to do what was best for me.

My family of origin had quite a revelation recently when they realized that because of their fears and inability to deal with my son with autism, they’ve really missed out.  We had a family gathering with both sides of our families present, and it became clear that my children preferred my husband’s family.  I could sense the hurt, shock, and surprise in my mom and brother and sisters, but could do nothing to fix the situation.  It hurt to watch and realize that for all my detachment (so I thought), I still found myself wishing for things to be different rather than accept what actually is.  What’s worse is that it’s MY family of origin - my mom, my brother and sisters, not my husband’s.  I get along with them and very well.  That is very different from my spouse and youngest son’s experience with my family.

I mention these things because I relearned a very difficult lesson this past weekend.  It seems that once, or twice isn’t enough; I have to revisit this same issue every so often and get past it and learn the same lesson over again.  Sometimes the best thing to do, and the hardest, is to stand back and let people learn their own lessons.  Sometimes I sense a solution, offer it, and get kicked in the teeth for doing so, or called (my mom’s favorite) an “interferer.”  I have to remember that sometimes stepping into a situation only makes it possible for those involved to blame you for the results.

I suppose this sounds like a bit of a rant.  I guess I’m writing this to get past it (it’s been a stumbling block to writing) and to be again able to write about more positive things and aspects of this path we walk together here.  I can say that it’s been a struggle.  I’ve needed to take time in meditation and go back to the most basic words we have as a community here, the Jedi Code.   My meditation time and mala have been my best friends lately.

I need to acknowledge that probably my greatest struggle and weakness in all of this is that I fall to manipulation very easily.   Recently, someone close to me pushed my buttons and I let them, because I fell yet again to that old tempter, manipulation.  I let them in and tell me how I should feel and feel bad for something over which I have little to no control over – their words, their actions, and their choices.  Yet again, I find myself holding the bag, asking myself what more could I have done that would have ensured a positive resolution where no one ended up feeling bad.

In this community, I’m supposed to be a teacher and role model, as well as a servant to our apprentices and learners here.  I find myself feeling like somehow I’m not living up to what people have a right to expect from me here; even more, I question myself.  I share this, however, as another teaching opportunity.  I’m not perfect, I don’t get it right even though I strive to, and the most important lesson I can teach is to get up again, get back to basics and put one foot in front of the other.  So that is what I will do, recommit myself to continuing to walk this path and spirituality, the way of the Jedi, imperfect and failible as I am.

Last Friday, in chat, one of our long-term, well-respected members of our community expressed their view that discussions here often have a strong element of anti-Christian sentiment.  This member had really wanted to post about their observations, but felt it would detract from the Jedi training and mission of the site.  I asked this member if they felt I exhibited such sentiments in my posting, and they took care to assure me that I was very diplomatic and respectful, but that it was evident I was disillusioned and disheartened about Christianity and perhaps religion in general.  This conversation inspired me to share more about my personal spirituality and how I’ve come to hold the views I do today.

I’ve shared a bit in my initial holocron entry about what brought me to become a member of this site and choose to study, train, and make the Jedi way part of my spiritual journey in this life, so I will not go into those details again here.  Instead, I want to shed some light on some of my questions of the faith in which I was raised.  I want to make it very clear, it is a path for which I have the greatest respect and still strive to live, just in a different way.  I read very widely and probably one of the most influential writers I have encountered in the last 5 years or so has been Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons.  He is a historical fiction and thriller writer, not a historian, or a theologian.  I see him as a layperson willing to ask “what if?”  His writing awakened a sense of tantalizing possibility, one that was only deepened by yet another historical fiction writer, Anita Diamant, author of The Red Tent.  For the first time, I was captivated by the idea of the divine feminine, of religion and ritual that was specifically female - of, by, and for women, that responded to their needs and honored the female life cycle – maiden, mother, and crone.  From where I stood, the faith of my upbringing was pallid, offering very little in the way of honoring and blessing my journey into motherhood, with all that entailed.  Childbirth and the pain that accompanied it was because of Eve eating the apple in Eden, so there was no honor or blessing in the messy, wonderful process of life-giving and life-bearing, and there was a sense that I was tainted, unclean.  There used to be a ritual for the mother of a newborn returning to the church community called “churching” which was a holdover from Jewish ritual purification ceremonies following childbirth.  Yuck.  I felt repulsed and repulsive to my church community – that old sex equals sin equals evil thing.  Unspoken, unintentional of course, particularly in this day and age, but present nonetheless.

So I started searching elsewhere to find a spiritual home that welcomed and honored me and that was not so patriarchal, male-oriented and dominated.  All of the great monotheistic traditions – Judaism, Christianity (in all its forms and guises), and Islam had the same patriarchal structure and predominantly negative view of women, except in their time-worn, familiar supportive roles.  That led me to learn about and seek out Earth-based spiritualities, like the Wiccan and other pagan or neo-pagan or reconstructionist or what have you communities.  Although I found much there to feed my spirit, it didn’t quite meet me where I was and I couldn’t quite meet it either, in all fairness.  Following the events I detailed in my first entry, along with Katrina and other natural disasters, my questions only grew.  I couldn’t put my head around the idea that some believers could be saved (e.g., they missed the planes on 9/11 or their lives and property were saved from the hurricanes or wildfires) but others, those who died on the planes and in the towers, those who died or lost everything in the disasters were not.  It just did not square up with what I had been taught about God and God’s nature and the sense I had that if God was omnipotent and omnibenevolent, as I had been taught, then God would not have permitted such harm to occur.  Blaming the devil,  particularly for natural disasters and their results, made no sense either.  It also really got to me when people would say God gave me my autistic son because God knew I could handle it (well, thank you very much, ugh!).  And, then with Christian and other religious views on evil, where did that all fit in?  Whenever I tried asking (heck I asked and discussed these issues with an Islamic cleric online even!), I was told to trust and just have faith, that I was asking into things too much for me, or that I was being impious or something similar.  Something had to give.  I needed to find a safe haven to explore, to seek, and to find.  So, I believe that the Force led me here, to this community.  I see in the Jedi way, a crossroads, where people of all walks of life, from various and sundry belief systems and even non-belief systems can find a common ground and gain the awareness and insight needed to live a well-grounded, ethical, even mystical spiritual life.  I have met and walked with all kinds of people here, and even share and learn with Sith/ist folks as well.  What I have found most helpful here is that, in the Jedi community, there really is no male or female, free or unfree, young or old (to paraphrase the apostle Paul from the Bible).  Mastery is not an end, it’s just a road sign, a step on the path of return to the Force at the end of our life’s journey.  And it is attainable by anyone committed to the path and willing to walk it to the best of their ability.

On this path, in this community, I can discuss my deepest questions, learn life lessons, all within the context of a fictional mythos, knowingly created by fallible humanity, without getting into the kinds of debate that we had recently here in the Moses thread, about the historicity or mythology or respect or disrespect issues people get into where the Bible is concerned.  I believe that Jesus was a great man, even Divinity incarnate, but I am very aware that my questions and my frustrations with the Christianity of my upbringing and culture make me a heretic within that tradition, and put me outside the pale there.  It makes me seem disheartened and discouraged.  I will say this – I have nothing but the greatest respect for people here, in this community, in this world of ours, today and historically who really and truly were or are people of great faith willing to really live their faith, Christian or otherwise.  We talk about many of them here from time to time – like Lao Tzu, or Buddha, Jesus, Moses, or Muhammed.  I know a few of those who claim to follow in their footsteps who truly are shining examples for the beliefs they claim to uphold.  They are an inspiration to me, and are examples I am willing to follow where their path intersects my own.

I love that question by Dr. Phil.  I was inspired to write this by one of Spark Vallen’s posts in her holocron about what’s more important — choosing to be peaceful or choosing to be right.  Growing up, particularly in my adolescence, I was far, far more concerned with being right than being peaceful.  In an effort to ensure my correctness, I had no problems striving for the utmost, exacting, technical correctness, particularly when expressing any kind of opinion.  I thought being right gave me the right to correct others’, either their “technical” errors or their erroneous opinions.  I didn’t care about my tone, or how I expressed myself, or how the way I expressed myself affected other people.  After all, I just wanted me to be right and others to be right too, or agree with me.  I liked using the “bully pulpit” as a way to get my points across and didn’t mind browbeating people into submission.  And it worked!

It took my husband to be (at the time) to show me that there was another way, a better way, one that respected others more and allowed them to express themselves and yes, make their own mistakes and actually learn from them.  He let me know that he did not appreciate this side of me, and considered it to be bullying.  He did not ask or demand me to change, but offered to help me work on this if I wanted to change my behavior.  It is amazing what love can do in effecting a positive change.   It’s been 10 years of hard work on this, and I am glad to say that I’ve improved for the better and that my spouse is great at keeping me on track.

I bring this up, because I realize now that my priorities in discussions have changed.  I prefer to achieve consensus where possible, to agree to disagree if consensus is not achievable.  Obviously, this is a practice I bring with me to this community, in our dialogue and discussion here.   I cannot control what others may say or do, and there are times when I really wish others had taken a different approach in a given situation.  So now I find myself striving to be a peaceful person, caring more about my relationships with others and my community, than the need I have to be right.  Because when it comes down to it, in order to be right, someone else has to be wrong.  There are times when correction is necessary, as a parent, that is an important part of my job.  But I would rather find a way to achieve that where no one has to lose face because of my words or actions.  I find that controlling my words and actions, taking care to be respectful and considerate of the other’s point of view and perspective, is the best way to achieve this.  Taking responsibility for my words and actions, acknowledging when my intentions have fallen short of the mark and offended another, intentionally or not, and genuinely working to heal the breach without a conditional apology, but with sincere, heartfelt words, is another way of also achieving this.  I have a dry wit and humor and can be sarcastic, all too easily.  I have even ended up being that way unintentionally, simply because I have spoken without thinking.  I have hurt others, and shot my own message in the foot when I get carried away.   That does not work for me or for my message or for others.  I am less than I can be and certainly than I am called to be as a Jedi.   So it all comes back to Dr. Phil’s question — “How’s that working for you?” 

One thing I like about the spiritual path I am currently on, is that it allows room for questions.  Having grown up in a highly structured religious tradition, one that strives for logical, settled answers within its particular tradition, it’s not always been easy to ask questions.  When I shifted off the moorings I spoke of in my last entry, I found I had lots of questions.  What did I really believe?  I have come to understand that the answers I think I have now may never be entirely settled, that I may have to realize that my human experience is too limited to fully grasp what I seek to understand.

 As Jedi, we speak of following the Force.  A new academy student, submitting their first assignment, again challenged me to consider the nature of the Force.  It was their belief that the Force is non-sentient and has no will of its own.  I find this appealing, if hard to put into words and understanding.  It certainly is a challenging perspective for someone with an upbringing in a theistic tradition, like me.  My own considerations of this question and meditation and reflection on it has led me to consider that if the Force has any will at all it is for balance, for homeostasis, based on how I view its operation in nature, in the world around us.   It also appears to seek uninhibited flow through all things.  There is no where the Force is not.  It is impossible for us not to affect or be affected by the Force in our lives.  The biggest difference I see between Jedi and other Force users (Sith/ist, Jensaarai, and others) and those who don’t share a similar belief or view is awareness.  We are just more aware of that connection, and our effect and being affected in turn.

 What this means for me in my daily life is that I need to strive to be awake, fully aware of my connections, and discern how to best align myself to the natural flow.  It does not mean I do not seek to improve situations or myself — I do.  In fact, caring for my body, taking responsibility for my health, affirms my personal responsibility to make decisions to be that open channel, allowing myself to both bend and be bent by the currents and eddies of the Force within and outside me.  If decisions about sleep, what enters my body, my physical activity, and similar practices can enhance or impede the flow of the Force in my own being, imagine how my decisions about handling waste, resources like water, also have an impact.  Here’s where for me, the rubber meets the road, where my practice impacts all aspects of my day to day.

I’m married, mom to two boys, 8 and 6 years old.  My youngest son has autism, which makes life very interesting, sometimes challenging, sometimes difficult, and sometimes wonderful.  He has taught me so many things since his birth.  His older brother is wonderful too, with his own interesting view of the world.  They have taught my spouse and I so much about perception and perspective as they navigate the world around them and try to make sense of it.  One of the greatest gifts they have given me is to be truly present in the here and now, to practice mindfulness.  It’s not always easy, but it is very worthwhile.

My current spirituality has been under construction for the last two years or so, although it began in 2001, with my father’s untimely death, 9/11, the birth of my youngest son with medical complications that persist to this day, and the sex abuse scandals in the Catholic Church.  My foundations were shifted off their moorings and I withdrew from active religious practice until last year.  My study and personal quest began with a shift from the Catholic perspective to more Earth-based spiritual practices, practices aligned with both my Native American and Celtic background, until last year, when a significant article I stumbled upon at the site Beliefnet shifted my perspective even more.  A Muslim author wrote an article about the congruence between his faith and the Jedi of Star Wars.  Since 9/11, I grew angry with my faith, God as I understood God to be, and two of the three great monotheistic traditions Christianity and Islam, and wanted no part of any faith or God that would allow events like this to be perpetrated in God’s name.  So this article finally broke through some of that anger and caused me to think about freeing myself from the negativity that I had held onto since 2001.  Again my eldest son, with his great interest in the Star Wars saga and with all of the questions raised by the movies, spurred my initial contact with the article as I tried to gather as much background related to the movies and particularly the Jedi as I could.  This led to my initial contact with the Jedi Realism movement, and to the incorporation of the study, training, discipline of that worldview into my own.  I am active in a number of Force-related on-line communities as a result, with some interesting findings.  Within the autism community, a number of people publically spoke or wrote of a link between Jedi philosophy and practice and their ability to cope with autism, either as a person with autism or as parent of one.  I was no longer alone, others had similar experiences and even better, were willing to share them.

Over time, as I am able, I would like to share more about what I have learned in my study and practice of the Jedi way and how I have integrated all the various aspects of my background into something that works for me and makes a difference not only to me personally but to the others I encounter every day.

 This post was originally posted at the beliefnet website in my journal there.  I adapted it for presentation here and thought it was a good way to introduce myself and this holocron.