Kate Solusar’s Holocron

Our communal gardening experiment with our friends and family (I wrote about this in an earlier holocron entry) has been going fairly well, even though our cherry tomatoes and plum tomatoes are just beginning to ripen. My in-laws’ garden is beginning to wind down, although their raspberries are still going strong.  We are looking forward to our friends’ beet harvest as well. For now, we’ve been enjoying corn on the cob from a neighboring farm down the street and local squash and zucchini. It’s been great and a wonderful learning experience for the boys, who have really loved gardening.

As far as the flower gardens are concerned, our day lilies have finally run their course (they’ve been in bloom for two months now), our sedum is starting to put on its late summer to autumn show, our St. John’s Wort and butterfly bushes have been keeping our honeybees and hummingbirds busy as well. Once the lilies are finished and have started to die back, I will be dividing them and planting some of the bulbs in the front yard for next year. We do lots of bulb plants (crocuses, tulips, daffodils, irises, and lilies), which are a boon to perennial gardens and have been very successful establishing some lavender plants as well. We tried bluebeard plants but they didn’t work out with our soil and the conditions, so they have been replaced with the more suitable azalea plants, which like New England’s more acidic soil conditions. I believe that next year we will finally be successful in having blooms in our flower beds from spring through autumn. Next year, we plan to establish a shade garden in our back yard with hostas and impatiens. We are really excited about the prospect. Our holly, lilac, forsythia, and hydrangea have all done exceptionally well this year. Our Japanese maple and burning bushes have continued to grow and thrive.

All in all, it’s been a great summer for the gardens. Even our berry harvest of strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries was a good one. It has definitely been a good season for being in touch with the living and sustaining Force. Gardening tends to put me in a meditative mood any way, and I find peace and strength in the energy exchange I sense between me and the living plants I tend. I have also been able to work side by side with the honeybees without disturbing them, or them me. These are not the only living creatures that I sense a strong closeness to during meditation in the gardens. For some reason and most especially since I began to consciously live, train, and study the Jedi way, I find birds of all kinds willing to come and stay nearby. Even the hummingbirds that visit our butterfly bush don’t seem to mind my presence.  They’ll even let me just watch them from the window.  It seems to me that they sense the meditative state and come to participate somehow. That’s what I sense anyway. It is a wonderful, uplifting experience. It isn’t something I experience every day, but it happens enough to give me pause to consider the connection.

Lately, I’ve been focusing mostly on off-line training and while I do come on-line to see what’s going on, it’s been just to read and not so much to write, at least for an audience. I had been active at Force Academy for a bit, but haven’t felt compelled to be active there these days. There are a number of people there and in other communities who have shared some very interesting insights, however, and some of those insights have prompted me to share a bit here.

In earlier holocron entries, I have shared about my struggle with people-pleasing, placating, and peacemaking at the expense of my own peace and the often resulting personal emptiness (of the existential kind). Jedi philosophy throughout the fiction in particular, speaks of the so-called “dark side.” Well, for me, that dark side in large part is major depression, which I have lived with for years, since the age of 13. It has reared its ugly head (picture the dementors from the Harry Potter series) in the last month, precipitated by my nephew’s birthday parties, because of the need to interact and be with other members of my family of origin and their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends and their children. Again, my husband chose to avoid these gatherings because as it is, my family does not like him and he feels uncomfortable around them as a result. The children’s party was held at an arcade, and my eldest son was invited, but his younger brother was not because “he has autism.” Well, he wanted to go and when there my brother and his ex were forced to make space for him to participate like the other kids. My little guy may not have known quite what was up, but I did. It hurt. I found myself focusing solely on my children, the other children, and my nephew, the birthday boy. Then the boys and I went to my nephew’s family party. My little guy sobbed hysterically and had a meltdown because my mom, brother and sisters were there. They are so high energy and he gets overwhelmed in their presence. No one understood, the kids gawked and gawped at my son, and he cried to go to my husband’s parents house instead. Ouch. It hurt. Situations like this hit me in the gut and that critical voice inside my head (the one that sounds like my mother) goes off reminding me yet again that “I’m not good enough.”

So what to do? I’ve striven to recover my calm center and balance through meditation, physical training, and study. It’s not worked all that well, to be honest. But then, the other key ingredient in gaining perspective is time. I’ve gone back to the most basic meditation practice I was first given in my training here, to use the Jedi Code as a mantra and thread it through my days. In the days that my life seems like I’m climbing a sheer cliff, it has offered a handhold, a means to help pull myself up. It helps, but my dream life and the continuing negativity I’ve been sensing and dealing with have made it hard to fully let go and practice that detachment or as I rather call it, unattachment, that is so much a part of the Jedi way.

Detachment to me, implies a closing off, almost a diminishment of feeling. From experience, this has not led to self mastery over my emotions. It closes them off, but that only staves them off from the day where they need to be acknowledged and experienced. Unattachment means that you allow yourself to fully feel whatever you are feeling, to be open to investing yourself in it and then to let it go. I am married and have two children. I love them. I can’t imagine them not being part of my life. However, each of them continues to grow and change and constantly engage me in the process of letting go. Ultimately we all let go in death, the time of our return to the Force.

It is interesting that all of the major world religious traditions, psychology, and yes, Jedi philosophy all deal with the so-called “dark night of the soul.” It is like the dark cycle in photosynthesis, the final step in converting light to energy for the sustenance of the plant. It is a highly individual, transformative, interior process, one that makes it possible to advance in the process of submitting the Self, the Will to that of the Force. Much of the time, adversity, loss and death are catalysts to move our reluctant selves further along in this process. One of the things I really appreciate about our fictional Jedi brethren in the Star Wars universe is that this is something they all struggle with and fail at so often. They aren’t perfect. Neither are we. It is a process, one that I submit requires us to fully embrace our humanity and all that attachment entails. We cannot learn and practice unattachment unless we first experience attachment. Attachment is part of being fully human. The key is gaining a level of mastery where we are able to fully love, fully enter into life, and then let go and let live when we are called to do so. The death of my father and the grief that followed taught me how to love, let go, and move on, not by detaching, but by loving, fully and deeply, and then to let go.

Even though I may have a title and a partially fictionally based online name and avatar, I am the same on and offline. My name is a combination of a diminutive form of one of my given names and Solusar is a name given me in honor of the fictional character Master Tionne Solusar. My avatar is of Master Luminaria Unduli, another fictional character. Interestingly enough, both were chosen by my mentor, Master Derek Thompson. This is not some role I play; the Jedi Path is something I strive to live, every day. Some days are better than others, but when I fail, I pick myself back up again and persevere. I am human. I am a Jedi/walker of the Jedi Path. To me, it’s a distinction without any real difference. My online identity, which keeps me partially in shadow, is meant to preserve personal boundaries and privacy. I am the gatekeeper of my personal experiences. I choose what I am willing to share with others in such an unregulated medium as the Internet. Also, my choosing to walk and live this Jedi way is one that has meaning only to me. My spouse does not like this aspect of my life, so it is primarily a hidden one. That’s okay with me. Believe me, I am not in this for the recognition. I do this to be the best person I can be, living my best life within my circumstances.

I have truly enjoyed exploring the fictional and real-world philosophy of the Jedi Path. Interest in one has naturally led to the other. Not to mention how much groundwork was already laid and prepared for the day I decided this was the path I wished to pursue, due to my studies of history, philosophy, comparative religion and politics in my educational career both as a student and as a teacher, and now as a parent. So how do I apply what I’ve learned into my real, everyday life both on and offline?

I meditate everyday. I need at least an hour, and if I don’t make the time, the Force makes me make the time at bedtime. Seriously. I use my training and the self-discipline I have learned to manage my chronic health issues, including diabetes, which demands that I pay attention to regular, consistent physical training as well. My A1C tests that measure my long-term blood glucose control don’t lie. If I don’t train physically, my control slips. I use my communication skills to help mediate and resolve conflicts between people, achieve consensus in situations like the Autism Task Force committee on which I serve under our city’s school committee, and help bring people and ideas together for mutual benefit. I have done so in both the public and private spheres, in government, in the workplace, and in my family. I counsel people and teach them that the answers they so often seek already exist within them. I help them uncover that knowledge and then use it to move forward in their lives. I use the “heroic” image of our fictional brethren to give purpose and dignity to chores like laundry, housework, toilet training my autistic son, and all the repetitive, hidden parts of my life. I use my connection with the Force to help the healing process in others and myself. That same connection allows me to understand my autistic son when he can’t tell me what’s bothering him or when he needs his anxiety soothed or his pain diminished. My Jedi training and practice makes it possible for me to cope with all that having an autistic child really entails day to day. Believe me, this is not some role I play. It is my life, imperfect and fallible as it is.

I practice harmony with the environment, supporting the local ecosystem and buying from local farmers. That goes not only for fruits and vegetables but butter, milk, and eggs as well. I use no phosphate soap for my dishwasher and have eliminated or severely limited bleach use, hot water use, and antibacterial soap in order to lessen our household’s impact on the environment, which is particularly important when you have a septic system. Energy star appliances have been installed; energy efficient and eco friendly products used to reduce my family’s impact further have been put into use. I have been involved in disaster planning efforts for our region and taken appropriate steps and measures at home for our family and others who may be in need in the wake of a disaster. Respecting life as the Code calls Jedi to do for me means standing up for the rights of the disabled in our schools and society (I have a special interest in handicapped accessibility to public buildings, particularly historically significant ones), as well as engaging in activities to help ensure that those in need get the food, clothing and shelter they need in my local community. It means really examining my relationship to the food I consume, particularly animal products. It means purchasing fair trade coffee and cocoa. It means getting flu shots annually for everyone in my family and questioning antibiotic use when appropriate because it is in the interest of the public health in my community and beyond to do so. It’s about responsible stewardship of time, talent, and treasure. It’s about teaching my children these concepts and ideas, by words and example.

It means watching my speech and words in my dealings with others and myself (our self-talk can be harmful as well). It means really seeking that calm center when emotions spiral out of control so that I can help, not hurt others. Part of my personal Jedi practice involves uncovering the layers and piercing the veil to understand my deepest self and my connection to that all encompassing reality, the Force. I’m a bit mystical and metaphysical and that’s a side of me I share only online with my closest associates and sometimes a student. I take all these ideas and concepts and find ways to share them with others, especially those I teach. Even though Ashla has been down, I’ve had opportunities to continue to teach and share with others on this same path. My primary online activity is teaching and learning and sharing with others my thoughts on these things and personal experiences when I feel comfortable so doing.