Kate Solusar’s Holocron

Life can be a very challenging teacher at times.  The last month has taught me a good deal about a number of things.  Since the main site here is currently down and undergoing renovation, it’s been very quiet.  I’ve wanted to focus on my own personal training and path during this time, but life is funny that way.  We plan and the Force laughs.  Life is what happens when you’re busy planning something else.

A good deal of what I’ve been learning these past weeks has been more about how not  to behave, talk and act.  I’ve been very disappointed and saddened by some of what I’ve been seeing from various others in my daily life, both on and offline.  I’ve also come to realize that some of what is bothering me in others’ words and actions are things I need to work on myself.  My diabetic control over the last few months has been slipping and therefore the condition not only persists but has progressed.  It’s been a struggle to maintain a consistent and effective activity level on a daily basis.  I haven’t been as healthy as I would like to be, and have been struggling to stop the cycle of getting sick, recovering, and then getting sick again.  I was knocked on my butt for two weeks because of an eye infection.  I don’t heal as well as I used to.  It has been discouraging at times and frustrating.  I’ve been fighting off the darkness inside (I have chronic, recurrent depression) that threatens lately to swallow me.  I’ve been here before in my life and for the first time since I have chosen to walk this spiritual path called the Jedi way.  So it’s been a trial by fire of sorts.  Can I lean on what I say I believe and find support and a way through my struggles right now?  It’s been challenging to say the least.  It’s been more difficult because of the isolation I’ve been feeling with the loss of daily contact with our community here.  But still I persist and find the inner strength needed to keep on going day to day.

I am a stay at home parent and homemaker.  It’s a stereotyped and traditional female role, one that is not as common anymore.  It has been a lonely and isolating experience at times.  There is another stay at home parent on my street, a man who works from his house, while his spouse works outside the home.   Now, due to the economy, I need to reenter the workplace.  I am hoping to work as an assistant teacher in the local schools, or perhaps as an aide.  I am a high school history teacher by profession, but would rather work with the special needs population or more directly with students.  Teachers today have far more administrative responsibilities; I prefer direct work with the children instead.  This would also make it possible to leave work at work so that I can continue to focus on my family responsibilities at home.  When I first left the workplace to stay with my new baby in early 2000, I remember the resentment I sensed and experienced from the rest of the “sisterhood” who chose to stay in the workplace after starting their families.  I chose what was best for me and for my family.  After my second son was born and we discovered he has autism, my staying home made early intervention and home therapy possible.  Even today, my life revolves around my son’s schedules and needs; my little guy still gets home therapy twice a week and generally I am called to his school once a week for various things like bringing another change of clothes because he had a toileting accident or to deal with an incident because he can be self abusive or to deal with medication adjustments and managing side effects following his regular neurologist appointments.   I am concerned about balancing the needs of a job and employer and interruptions like the ones I typically am able to respond to simply because I am available.

I told someone recently that much of what I do in my daily life is taken for granted and is only noticed when it isn’t done.  I told this person that walking the Jedi path keeps me sane and grounded and makes it possible to maintain the self-discipline necessary to keep faithfully fulfilling my responsibilities.  My path acknowledges the value and worth of what I do and assures me I am doing what needs to be done whether what I do is recognized by others or taken for granted.  It really helps.  It makes it possible to deal with the daily challenges our family faces with my little guy.  He has had a tough time this week.  He has not slept well, his medications really affect him physically (we are still tapering up to the new dosage) but have not made a significant dent in his obsessive-compulsive behaviors like repeating commercials or dialogue from TV shows or the verbal prompts that are part of applied behavioral analysis therapy.  He’s not eating well either because he can’t eat when he needs to know what everyone else is eating around him.  He’s been anxious and worried as well, and like so many little ones, thinks that he can change things just by saying “it’s sunny” when it’s raining and then gets upset when saying it doesn’t change things.  It’s still raining, no matter how many times he says he wants it to be sunny.

On top of all of this, my father-in-law is sick with a number of acute and chronic medical problems that have put him into the hospital.  He is now in a teaching hospital in the city because the local hospital seemed to have written him off, saying there was nothing they could really do for him.  He’s getting better very slowly.  Of course, my spouse’s family is fairly close and we’ve been trying to all pitch in and help my mother-in-law.  My in-laws have three children still in school - elementary, middle and high school respectively.  We’ve been taking turns watching the children and taking my mother-in-law to the hospital in town.

The take home message here?  For me, it’s been a time to put what I say I believe into practice, having the rubber meet the road.  It has reminded me that I need to acknowledge and recognize my own limitations and humanity as well as that of others who choose to walk this path.  I’ve seen much of how not to be, speak and act and some of those lessons have been learned by my own falling short of what I say I believe.  The Jedi path is still a valuable and valid way to live even though there are so few real-life role models to look to as examples.  As you can see, I miss my friends and community here.  You have been a lifeline and support to me and I know we will reconnect again soon.