Padawan Learner David’s Holocron

I’d like to share a rather peculiar event that occurred today. I was on my porch working on a project when I needed a piece of wood. There is a tree in the woods I’ve been using that was knocked over by wind. Currently the wood is cured, neither green as in alive nor has it started rotting but a thunderstorm is moving in quick. Leatherman in hand, I begin making my way through the brush with my cat right behind me. The rain now is almost monsoon like with big drops, lightning seems to be striking all around very close, and all this with my little one year old cat right on my heels. Now, I don’t know what possessed him to follow me. I hadn’t shown him any attention almost all afternoon. We walked approx 1/4 mile, got the branch I needed and returned home soaking wet.

 All I can say is that he will be taken good care of. I hope he is this understanding when I have him neuterd. If it was a dog I wouldn’t think much of this display, but a cat?

Since the forum has been down things have been a little different. First, I should say I miss everyone and will be glad when it’s up and running again. Secondly, I guess I should list what I’ve been working on over the last couple of weeks. The topic of public image has came up. Never in my life have I cared what people thought of me. But now I sense the need to appear respectable. I don’t think I’ve started caring, neither do I feel this is for my own benefit. My concern is for the very people who judge me, and also because my actions represent to them the groups that I’m in. I don’t believe the public opinion of what “respectable” should look like is necessarily correct, but for now I’ll play along and see where this line of thinking is taking me. The two biggest changes so far is I’m staying cleaner shaved and the grass on my loan cut. There is something more soothing about a person that appears well conformed no? I think this has a lot to do with attachment to familiarity (via stereotype) and a resulting perceived predictability. Again, this is not about what I think. It’s about what I think others think I think. Concepts like this are very hard to convey the meanings, but shortly I’m trying to bridge the gap between my way and societies way. There is the assumed “I’m so different” written between the lines there. So there ya have it. I am unalienating  or demystifying myself to others in hopes that they (scratch they), in hopes that I am strong enough now not shell up and become defensive like I did and have done since early puberty. But you guys knew I was working on fear right? This is all just another facet on that same line of work.

Here of late, I’ve been thinking about survivalism. Most everyone who reads this holocron has also been keeping tabs on the thread “A Tribe”. I’m not going to discuss it further here, but would like to cover why I entertained the idea in the first place and my rationalizations concerning this so far. Bottom line, it’s fear. I’ve not bumped my head lately, well not that hard anyway. I realize this survival mentality is a conscious philosophical manifestation of paranoia and fear. Am I letting that fear control me by actualizing these notions? It’s a fine line and worthy of debate.

The pros: I feel there is a probability of some type of hardship in the future, exactly what is unknowable. It’s a marriage of hobbies I enjoy anyway. By “playing along” there are certain benefits: Better health, the motivation to get in shape. Better nutrition, in storing food and rotating stock more thought is put into a well balanced diet. Preparedness, ok - so it’s not the end of the world but it’s nice to have that other full bottle of tylenol when you’ve ran out and your kid has a fever at 2 AM.

Cons: Something could happen, but really - Bad enough to justify this? A feeling of inadequacy, makes you wonder if this is not some “big boy needs security blanket syndrome”. Unpatriotic, remember when America was a unified body of citizens with a common goal of making her great? They believed. Sometimes I wonder if holding back for self preservation (not goods but attitude) cuts against the grain of those who did so by considering jobs like flipping hamburgers and back breaking work in saw mills as “opportunity”.

My absolute conclusions: Yeah, it’s a good idea to practice these arts. If not so for their tactical purpose, it’s fun, and friendships within my town can be made. I can use the fear (if this is the true root) to my advantage, but I must be careful to guide the ways in which it surfaces, in addition to keeping my actions and thoughts rational. In this way, I am not reacting to fear, but being proactive about solving problems my mind has foreseen. As with all things, moderation. I don’t have a 10 foot flag covering one of my bedroom walls, nor have I began excavation for a bunker. I think a little survivalism wouldn’t hurt, but too much could. And like Ten Bears, this is all I am saying.

You know I can’t stay out of the woods… As it turns out I rubbed elbows (and everything else) with the wrong plant. I broke out and down and went to the doctor. Did you know prescription medication for poison ivy was a steroid? I certainly do now. Last week I had to lean heavily on previous training with anger.

 Under normal conditions, I constantly monitor my emotions. If ever I become even excited, I am aware of it almost immediately. Once realized, the passion can then be controlled. These pills however threw me completely off balance. I’ve never been big into chemicals and for good reason, my system is extremely reactive. Two more days and I will be done with them. Work is now stable and life (other than itchy) is good.

This last month has been a test of my metal. The new work environment mentioned in my last holocron has revealed itself. To pin it down simply, negativity and infantilism. I truely feel that I have met every days challenges and won on every account. We are making progress toward a peaceful atmosphere and have only lost one coworker in the process. There is one coworker I’d like to address in particular. During my first week she was crying on the job. Her son had been put in jail. I quietly told her it would be Ok - everything would be alright. She looks up snaps, “What do you know about it, you ever had a son in jail?”. I smiled and calmly responded that everything is temporary and nothing lasts forever. She thought, then nodded in agreement and started back working without crying. A few days later another coworker and I was in a friendly conversation about her (what I called) “wishing her life away” because she said she wished it was time to go home. I was going over, you know, all about nowness. She was explaining how much it “sucked” being at work. Now, the former coworker who had been crying several days before walks over and says. “you know he’s right, the day is what you make it.” then looks at me, then back at the second coworker. I guess my career as a Jedi has already started.

Please do not think by this I am filling peoples heads with dilusions of grandure, or false hope. I’m only shooting for cope. When our work environment becomes normal or to where everyone can come in and do their job without extreme drama, it will be time for me to slack off and let them govern themselves.

The last two weeks I’ve been acclimating to a new job. I like it a lot because it will leave the evening open for school this fall. I will be attending a local community college for business administration.

I’ve had a few experiences at work where Jedi training has helped. It seems now that I am the one to turn to for advice and keeping the peace. I like helping people. But it’s one of the most rewarding things to see someones mind “turn on” as they begin to think for themselves. The ability to think is one of the few gifts which cannot be taken, only given away freely.

I am still somewhat sore from rock hopping in the bottom of Little River Canyon (AL). Along the highway which passes from Rome GA to Forte Payne AL there is a bridge, under which is a waterfall. Parking in a paved parking lot, the general public can walk down a short asphalt trail which leads to an observation deck. Halfway down this 50 foot trail, a dirt trail forks off and heads south, parallel with the river. It is a quiet little path which winds through some woods for a hundred yards then abruptly turns right, in the direction of the river. After climbing down a completely vertical 15 foot rock cliff, only 50 foot of heavily brushed trail remains. The river is quite small, some people would laugh and consider it a stream. The rapids along this section are class IV and V. From this spot you are standing on the north side of the river and can walk on top of rocks and boulders along the edge of the water.

I’ve been known to frequent this spot for several years now. I go for the solitude and emotional cleansing the water provides. As spring and passover approach, the frequency of my visits will increase. A little spring cleaning in my personal Jedi temple so to speak. Which also can be outwardly verified in my smile and the sweat which drips from my nose as I emerge from this water born chasm.

Also I had the oppurtuntity of bumping into another Ashla member in chat the other day. Our conversation gave understanding to the methods I can use to sense the Force, based on our common skill sets. Thank you Andy.

It is amazing, the thereputic qualities that writing offers. My last holocron entry forced me to put my queries into words. I’ve known for many years the quickest way to work out a problem is to put into an understandable format. To verbalize or write down the exact issue makes the problem disectable. But for some reason, I didn’t untill then. I am glad to report that I am once again myself. Not who anyone want’s me to be, or the roles I fill in life. I refound my essence, my source, my true self,  Me. The experience feels much like Theoden (The Two Towers) had after Gandalf exorcised Saruman out of him. I feel alive again. I can’t for the life of me understand why I deviated. I can only guess I got too focused on bills and such, so that finally I couldn’t see anything else. Never do I wish to do that again.

Last night was the first time in over 10 years I stood and stared at the stars.

In no certain words, it has occurred to me that Jedi training encompasses the ability to keep rhythm with the universe. Clearly stated, my thoughts of late have drifted toward timing. I find myself at the wrong places at the wrong times. Being currently unemployed, this means I am out looking for a job while missing an opportune phone call. But that’s just one example. It seems I have somehow removed myself from my usual rhythm, and am now drifting along with the uncertainty of chance. Although my life has had drastic changes within the last six months, I feel the need to “find a groove”. Are my thoughts/feelings being affected by the celestial orbs, have I fallen from grace? What exactly makes this “cosmic metronome” with which I am trying to sync? These are the questions my mind is busy unraveling. I am re-finding my “flow”.

I thought I’d back up to the beginning of training and give an overview.

It does no one absolutely any benefit to train without training. This statement implies that it is possible to train without training. Everyday I see people running around living their lives without ever really living them. I see myself at times being drawn into the mix, the mindless disease that has infected our culture. We go through the movements yet accomplish nothing. The word Anti-Tao embodied. We train in hope to escape the vicious cycle of nothingness, but apply only the skills learned in that nothing world. I can’t afford to hurry through training. The more effort I place into it, the more benefit I will receive. The title “Jedi” literally sends shivers down my back as I write this holocron. I will not except the title lightly. The title has as much meaning as we give it, therefor I consider it to be a most honorific title which denotes people of the highest caliber. It signifies a person who is open eyed and is actively engaged in the totality of this world. If I do not feel worthy, if and when the time comes I cannot have it. I have wondered off topic. The skills mentioned earlier, they form the starting point of the Jedi’s path. Every human Jedi started with only those skills used by everyone. The trick is that the Jedi quickly learn to discontinue some skills, invest in the remaining skills, which creates other skills previously not available. I use the word skills loosely here. The point being, this is not a game, hobby, just another online community, or any other title one could think of. The work done in the Academy is very serious and of the utmost importance. It affects our lives and the lives of others, so I cannot belittle or disrespect it by any continuance of being anti-tao. I am fully dedicated to Jediism and to everything for which it stands. May the Force be with us all.