Recently I took time away from the Realist community in order to give some aspect of my life back into clear focus and order. Now sometimes, these types of journeys bring on revelations that one’s path has stagnated and they either must move towards change or call this path redundant and move away from it. I’ve not experienced anything that has called my path into question, in fact the opposite has occurred.
You see I’ve gone through sometimes emotional and mental excruciating experiences lately that have called a lot of my former preconceived notions into question. Things that have taxed my will and resolve. Shaken and blown apart illusions that I’ve had about my life till now and caused me to realize that in the years previous to this I had in fact not had been challenged enough by events around me that I did stagnate. I mislead myself into thinking I was in a comfortable milieux , that my own faith and identification of myself was right and true and others were seeing me through their own particular set of glasses,sometimes rose-colored, sometimes crystal clear.
I was wrong
I was in fact highly cynical, sarcastic, lazy and apathetic. My experiences in the community with those that challenged my own view brought out the monster that lives inside me. Ready to snap at anything that conflicted with my own preconceptions, some of which I may still hold but no longer see as challenging to my self-worth. It took my a while to drag my self out of this funk and began asking myself questions as to why and how I allowed myself to be lured into such a weak state. I came to see that I was indeed a shadow but one drown in darkness.
You may ask….why do you insist on this damn classification Xan? At Ashla there is no need for such things here. And you are right. But the story for why….that is why this blog exists.
Your shadows are always with you.
How you will emerge from them….or will you?