I used to play all sides of the spiritual  fence. I was an Ashla Knight, a Dark Lord, a former Sufi Circle leader, an occultist, and so forth. My goal was non-duality, which is the transcendence of all opposites. I was seeking the state of what the great Sufi saint Mevlana Rumi described in a quatrain:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing
there is a field.
I will meet you there.

That was, and still is, the ineffable goal.  The problem was that I started to believe the signposts were the goal. Or to put it another, cruder, way- I started to buy into my own bullshit. We all do this to a degree, but I discovered that I had bought into the melodrama hook, line and sinker.

Around this same time was when the bomb dropped. My wife Fran was diagnosed with Stage 2 or Stage 3 Breast Cancer. One doctor said one thing, another said another thing. Either way, I hit rock bottom. Of course, I never let Fran know a thing about it. I was Mr. Sunshine. As much as I believe in honesty and truth, there are times not to tell it. When the love of your life has cancer, and you’ve hit ground zero, thats the time to keep your big mouth shut. So, I keep the jokes flying.

That worked for a while, but not long enough. I tried every trick in my repertoire. I tried ritual, meditations, prayers, et al. It all fell short and felt empty. Online I talked a good game. I played the game of Jedi and Sith, but when the screen went off-so did the tenets. This wasn’t simple depression, this was the deepest fear I’ve ever felt. And when I felt it, I was not the Sith of my past- I did not draw any power from it. I was neither very Jedi about it either- despite the fact that I did acknowledge it as a fear. No, I simply stared at this ultimate fear and went numb.

As luck would have it, about this time I meet my present teacher. His name is Khentrul Lodrö Thayé Rinpoche. Rinpoche is the abbot of Katog Mardo Tashi Choling in Eastern Tibet. He has been giving teachings in the United States since 2003. He holds the title of Khentrul which means that he thrice received the title of Khenpo (equivalent to a Doctor of Philosophy), making him a triple Khenpo. He has also been recognized by His Holiness Katog Moktza Rinpoche as a tulku (a reincarnate master) of Drubtop Namkha Gyamtso of Katog Monastery. Hence, the name “Khentrul” denotes one who is both a khenpo and a tulku. (Just in case you were curious about these crazy Tibetan names. lol) Strangely enough, he started a center in Lafayette, Louisiana where I live. Nobody builds a Tibetan Buddhist Center in Lafayette!

Since meeting him, I’ve started going to the Center and receiving teachings. I’ve taken Refuge Vows and am presently working on what are known as the Preliminary Practices. (Ngondro) These have helped me a lot, especially going to the center and practicing with others. I have a tendency to isolate, so if you’re going to isolate-you might as well isolate with a bunch of friends, right? lol

Now, this might sound like I am promoting Buddhism, or prosleytizing. Actually, I’m not. I don’t believe in a one size fits all theology. Buddhism is working for me, but it might just annoy the hell out of you. I have no idea. It merely helped me pull myself up and become a human being again. Someone who, while there is room for improvement, can look at the abyss without the abyss looking back.

One could wonder, of course, how this all connects to the Ashla path? Stay tuned.

Live long & prosper,

Kukai