Kate Soulstar's Journal

This has been a difficult summer for me as far as my practice, study and training have been concerned.  I have found myself short on patience, calmness, and interest.  There have been subtle and not so subtle shifts in my relationships with my eldest son, who is clearly moving from little boy to tween/preadolescent.  Dealing with him has been like trying to transplant a prickly pear cactus without getting hurt by the needles.  I find he’s far more sensitive and more easily offended than I would have ever expected.  All my peacemaking, bridgebuilding, harmonizing, and negotiating skills have been sorely tested this summer, and I have not always been successful.

My other son has issues that have made things difficult this season as well.  This son, who has autism, also struggles with obsessive and perseverating behaviors.  The first thing on his mind every day is whether or not someone will be mowing the lawn.  He is terrified of lawn mowers and particularly lawn tractors.  This has put a strain on his relationship with his dad, because it’s the very first thing he asks him about and once is not enough — he needs to be reassured many, many times.   Summer is not structured enough to help him feel grounded and some of his self-abusive behavior recurs, which adds to the stress.

On a more personal, spiritual note, I had been working on finding a rapprochement with the Catholic faith in which I had been reared and of which I still am nominally a part.  I had been exploring some issues and topics of interest with an online community, only to find that the continued negativity I encountered there to be overwhelming.  I needed to walk away, which I have.  It made me realize just how much distance there is now between what I believed and thought as a Catholic and what I believe and think now as myself.  I realized that even the meanings of some of the same words I use to describe something are no longer the same as they once were. 

I know I’ve been quiet here and elsewhere.  I can’t get on the computer as easily these days – my 10 and 8 year olds see to that.  I realize that in some ways, I’ve lost the words to convey the interior journey I’ve been experiencing these days.   But I am still here, still trying, striving and yearning to understand, to make sense of this world and my experience of it.  I may be quieter, but I am not going anywhere.

Last week, I accompanied one of my sisters to an appointment at a regional cancer hospital.  She has an ongoing battle with melanoma that she’s been fighting for the last two years and has learned that it will be an ongoing battle.  Needless to say, she did not take this too well, which was why we were there.  This hospital had an interesting affect.  There was a calmness, quiet care and compassion that prevailed, punctuated by people generating lots of fear, anxiety, and pain.  There were a number of people who were very drawn in on themselves.  While there for my sister, I encountered a number of other patients who were dealing with similar issues, and I met one who was dying.  None of my encounters really stood out for me while we were there; although, I admired the courage and serenity of the dying man I encountered there.  He and I had a lengthy, generally positive conversation about family, children, teaching and learning.

What really surprised me was just how much was taken out of me energywise as a result.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically drained.  It’s been a very, very long time since I felt that way.  I guess I wasn’t paying attention to the drain I must have been experiencing at the hospital.   It took a couple of nights of decent sleep and a concentrated effort on my part to conserve my energy to myself.  It was only after spending a good number of hours gardening on Saturday that I felt myself recover.   Talk about a wake up call to mind my practice and training better.  The next time, I need to better prepare myself before I go back there with my sister.  I am a major support for her, so it’s a matter of time before I go back there with her.  I help her better understand what the doctors and specialists are telling her, thereby making everybody’s job easier and my sister less fearful and anxious where I can. 

Talk about a pointed reminder to be mindful.