I am a member of a number of online communities these days. While this one is my primary home, I am also active at Beliefnet and Force Academy. There is an older woman, 70 I think, who comes from a well-educated, wealthy, upper class background, and is a frequent poster at one of these other communities. She often makes great comments and insights, which I can really appreciate. Unfortunately, she has a bit of an acerbic tongue and woe to those who cross her. She recently posted about the concept of graciousness, and how several posters seemed to lack that quality. She described herself as a gracious Southern lady, who grew up during a period of “graciousness” that now seems to be lacking. It was an interesting post because it offered some unintended insight. She was in as much need of her words as those to whom she directed them to needed them. I suspect that she didn’t realize that, at least when she made her post.
It’s interesting to consider because it’s been said that upwards of 90% of communication is nonverbal. That makes online communication particularly prone to misunderstanding, assumption, and misreading the writer’s intentions and tone, in particular. It’s something I tend to pay attention to because of my tendency to see the other person’s perspective and point of view and to try to find common ground where possible. Sometimes, however, that’s just not possible. My response when that happens is simply to let the matter drop and to disengage from further conversation. That can also result in misunderstanding too, but then it’s easier to respond rather than react because there’s less of an emotional connection or charge after disconnecting.
It certainly has been an interesting experiment. I’ve learned that my words can have a greater impact than I’ve ever intended them to have. I’ve learned that sometimes, no matter how clear you seem to be to yourself, others may continue to misunderstand no matter how you try to clarify things. And that’s okay. Sometimes it comes down to respecting and recognizing that others’ lenses inform their own perspective and response and that your own perspective gets filtered through those lenses and that affects how your words come across, their impact on others, even what the words you’ve written actually mean. Sometimes, there really isn’t anything you can say or do to change that. Only the person wearing the lenses and controlling the filters has the power to do that.
It’s been a very interesting experience to be able to step back and see that for myself. It’s given me much to consider and ponder as I seek to integrate this new understanding into my continued interaction with others in this medium.