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For those that may not be aware, I have two children. They are currently ages 8 (all A’s & B’s) and 6 (all A’s), and they both attend a public school which serves grades K-5. Several times throughout the year, my children will bring home sales material. The products vary from sports memorabilia, candy, fruit, carbonated drinks, to finger-hut type miscellanea. I understand the school can use the student body to help raise money to support its programs and maintenance costs. Likewise, I understand why most school functions have evolved into seasonal fundraisers. And, I understand that sales increase in proportion to the incentive given to the sales people. However, this all falls apart when you’re talking about kindergarteners and second graders. Let me explain.

My children attend a “pep rally” at school for each of these “programs”. At the meeting, an executive salesman will entertain the minors by showing them the prizes they can win at each tier of sales. If you sale one item, you get a keychain. If you sale 10, you get the keychain and a slinky. This pattern goes all the way up to the grand prize at 100 sales where you get everything displayed including an iPod or Xbox. All this showing of toys excites the juveniles and invokes a real sense of passion for selling product in spite of their limitations of being little kids.

Here’s the catch. My 6 and 8 year old children do not have adult friends. So what happens? The order forms are placed in my wife’s and my lap to deal with while our children run around the living room spouting what all prizes they want. Just for fun, let’s examine my 3 options now as a parent.

1) I go along with the program. The company that I don’t know or care about makes their sales. The school, the one we pay our taxes to fund, gets their commission for the sales. My children get a few cheap trinkets. All of my wife’s and my family and friends are now burdened with the imposition by a family member or close friend to buy something they don’t need or want to fund a school or company they could or couldn’t care less about.

2) I decline to participate. I don’t feel manipulated into working for free. Many family members and friends are not imposed to waste their money. My children are crushed because they don’t get all the prizes they have seen at the “pep rally”, so I’m the bad guy.

[Rant on]

Ok, now let the web bots deliver this message to companies who use schools for their sales and the schools that use sales to offset their academic inadequacies. Calculate this into your marketing and business strategies, oh will you. Stop taking classroom time away from my children. If the school needs better funding then they can raise the quality of their education to receive better funding from the state, not give my children part-time jobs to bail their sinking ship. I will not blindly sell product for you because you have access to my children. I will not sell product for you period (just because), and I will not be caught in the guilt paradox of obligating my friends and family or disappointing my children. It is insulting to be placed into the position of choosing between one or the other. It is insulting to be expected to do your dirty work for a few dollars worth of junk. I side with my children; there is no doubt about it. But, I can choose my kids and escape your manipulation. My kids were excited because of your prizes; I have better ones. My kids like cash. With cash they can, much like their dad, choose where to buy, what to buy, and what to save. I will and do pay them not to worry about your “pep rally” or trinkets. My method works. I will not buy your products either, so keep your offers to yourself. But until you do, rest assured I am silently taking note of your company’s name and will never do business with it. My money will never run through your hands, scholastic pimps. I avoid you like I avoid a cesspool of Google ads, timeshare con-artist, or mortgage insurance agent.

Option 3: Screw both of you and the horses y’all rode in on. I’ll take care of my children. I suggest you do the same for your school and business. They will be instructed to avoid your ilk of marketing exploitation long after you’ve both gone out of business or, heh – had a change in management. And yes, I still mingle at the PTA, for now. Have a nice day.

[Rant off]